Ephesians 5:21-33

Many, many times I have witnessed women from all walks of life endure horrific treatment by their husbands, boyfriends, sons, and fathers. Many of these women are faithful, dutiful, and totally committed Christian women.

I understand the walk, the talk, and torment of their hearts, minds, and very souls. I weep for them often and I pray for them always.

What I don’t understand, are the men who bring and inflict this shame, humiliation, abuse, and neglect on the very ones who they vowed to do just the opposite. These men who don’t think twice about back handing, withholding food, necessities, and love, bullying, threatening the lives of their children to bring about obedience, raping, brainwashing, belittling, and degrading the women in their lives . These men then have the audacity to call themselves Christian men, some who serve as deacons, elders, and preachers in their congregations. These pagan practices have absolutely NO place in a God fearing Christian home!

Under the umbrella of Christianity, these faithful women hold themselves prisoner to living abusive lives, because the passage I referenced above records words that have been used and abused themselves; God’s Words. Many congregations, leaderships, and traditions use this passage as a weapon towards married and single women.

Colossians 3:19 “Husbands love your wives and do not be bitter against them.” In the original Greek language, the word “love” that Paul uses in this verse means “much love”. They are to offer much love. The words “do not be bitter” is an inaccurate translation. It actually reads, “to (make) embitter”, which is instruction to not make their wives bitter towards them. It has nothing to do with the man being bitter towards his wife. The original writing means to not cause her to feel bitter or resentful towards her husband.

It is my intention to carefully look at what the apostle Paul is truly addressing to the church in Ephesians and particularly in chapter 5. I intend to say what the text says in each verse. God’s Word is so plain and simple, it needs no interpretation.

Keeping in the context of the passage, which is essential in understanding what the writer is communicating, I want to establish the ‘big picture” of the book of Ephesians. Paul uses the phrase “to the praise of His glory” four separate times in chapter 1 . This is a statement to the significance of Christ and the church in the eternal purpose of God, with a strong emphasis placed on Christ and the church as the physical, spiritual, and moral realization of God’s eternal purpose for us. Paul continues this mindset for the next 2 chapters where he explains Christ and the church. Then in chapters 4-6 Paul talks about the unity of the church and how attitudes, absolutes, and agents of unity are essential for church growth and its future. Paul then goes into detail in chapter 5, where Paul describes many attributes of a faithful Christians; men and women. (These are imperative commands, not suggestions.) Paul states in verses 15-20 a Christian must be wise, understanding the will of the Lord, discerning, sober, filled with the Spirit, an edifier, joyful worshiper, speaks and sings to one another in praise and truth, forgiving, tenderhearted, grateful Prayer, and offers ALL of this in Christ name.

Then starting in verse 21, Paul lays the foundation of how this is to be practiced, ‘in the church” and in the covenant marriage relationship, so that Christ’s church can grow. The church is a covenant keeping family. Paul writes:”Being subject to ONE ANOTHER in the fear of Christ.” That is an all inclusive statement. “Be subject” is now established for both!.

Verse 22 – English translations do a disservice to this passage. So many questions regarding the words “be subject” vs “submission” depending on your version. In the original Greek language, “be subject” is not included in the this verse. So, we have to reference verse 21 to understand the phrase ‘be subject”. It is “a voluntary submitting to follow the leader/one in authority.” This places the “one being submitted to” as the responsible party to set the right example to follow. “Submission” is what we do unto Christ. It is not a choice. If we are to live as Christians, then our total submission to Him is essential to our salvation. In 1 Corinthians 15:27 Paul uses “subjected” twice to convey ” reflexively to obey”. This is submission. This “submission” is not the Greek word that Paul uses in Ephesians 5:21 ff. Thus the result of ignorance and misinterpretation. Thus the result of ignorance and misinterpretation.

Paul’s first command in verse 22 should read “wives to your OWN husbands AS TO THE LORD.” Paul just preceded this in verses 15-20 with what this looks like and ties it up in a beautiful bow by stating this is done in the fear/reverence of Christ. The question I can’t get out of my head is this, so what DO we, as married Christian women “subject to” and in the context, “be subject to”? Let’s take this one step further. We can’t talk about what we are led to be subject to, without recognizing what we DON’T subject to.

We DON’T subject to ungodly acts, drunkenness, drugs, fornication of any kind (even if your husband is requesting it), pornography, abuse (mental, emotional, and physical), threats, bullying, abusive controlling, violence or violent acts, self deprivation, and vocal belittling, anything that violates the marriage vows, breaks the marriage covenant, or any sin against Christ’s church. If we are to subject “as to the Lord”, in verse 22, then would our Lord be involved in any of these sins? Would Christ take such actions against His Body? No!!! Absolutely not!! Why would we follow any other example than Christ’s? We wouldn’t and shouldn’t. Do you really think Paul is saying women must follow Christ at all times unless your husband asks you to follow him in his sin? Do we ignore this command for the sake of a “happy” marriage. We NEED good marriages. So, emphatically No!! Heaven forbid!

When we do “subject”, WHO do we subject to? Scripture answers that very plainly through Paul’s instructions. God’s word explicitly starts in verse 23 explaining that the husband is to be the head of the wife as also Christ is Head of the church, this talks about authority. This is not new. In the book of Genesis in chapter 3 in verse 16 Jehovah God said a woman’s husband would rule over her. Notice that Paul instructs wives to be unto their OWN husbands. He is making a distinction between ALL other men save one, her husband. So dads, brothers, and grandfathers are not the ones to whom this is addressing.

So, how does Paul describe a Christian husband?

This is imperative, Keep in mind, Paul is referencing how Christ treats and loves the church as a parallel to a husband and what his perspective of his responsibilities to his wife should be. A Christ following husband is one who submits himself to God. According to verse 25 he is to not only give himself up to Christ, but also give himself up to his wife. He should be willing to give himself up for her and to her. He is not his OWN, he belongs to his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:4) In Genesis, Moses writes in chapter 2, verse 24 that “Therefore a man shall leave his father AND his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” In the original Hebrew language, to “leave” is to loosen or relinquish and the word “cleave” is to impinge, cling, adhere, or to catch by pursuit. This is to bring about the “become one flesh”, to be united in all ways.

Verse 26 – A husband is to anoint his wife, holding her in awe, cleansing her through the message of Christs Word, the same way Christ anointed His church by the washing of water (This is an act of purification that leads to sanctification), Jesus now, looks upon His church in awe.

This purification leads to Verse 27 – A Christian husband can now present to himself his sanctified wife who is now without spot or blemish and is holy before Christ, just as Christ continuously purifies and sanctifies the church, so that it stands before Him gloriously.

Verse 28 – A Christian husband, in the same way, remains without spot or blemish before Christ. The husband is to love their OWN wives as their OWN bodies. The husband is to love Christ first, and then take that same love and extend it to his wife. If the husband is truly following Christ, then he WILL love himself. Therefore, it should be a reflex to love his wife in the same way. If husbands followed AND accepted the instructions given in verses 15 -20, they would have every reason to love themselves and then their wives even more.

Verse 29 – A Christian husband who intentionally nurtures and cherishes his own relationship with Jesus, as Jesus does with the church, would not allow hate or anything that could or would violate the marriage vows or break the marriage covenant, to enter their relationship. By extending this same nurturing and cherishing to his wife, these actions of love, would be as natural as it is to himself and in parallel, as Jesus actions of love to the church.

Verse 30 – A Christian husband recognizes that his wife is also his SISTER in Christ, because she is a member of Christ’s Body. Ill-tempered men do not expose their nature to those they can’t control.  Just because a man “acts” without malice inside the church building towards others, does not exonerate his pagan behavior at home with his wife and children.  Same goes for a woman!  Just because the members of the congregation you attend are not exposed to this side of your spouse, does not give them the right to attempt to shame you for something they have not experienced themselves with your spouse!!! If your spouse treats other, women/sisters, in the church, with more respect than his wife, this is WRONG!!  A wife has every right, according to God’s Word, to be treated as a sister in Christ.

Verse 31 – Anytime you see a phrase like “For this cause” or “For this reason”, you should know what came before, so that you understand what Paul is about to say. Paul is saying, “Listen up husbands”. A Christian husband ALWAYS puts his relationship with his wife FIRST and above his parents. The husband is to establish his own home, with his own wife, and his own family, without the interference or demands of parents. The Greek word for “leave” is actually to “leave down” , “abandon” or “have remaining”. Our relationships with our parents will always remain with us, but when it comes to a marital relationship, parents come after wife, husband, and children.

Verse 32 -A Christian husband should recognize that all of this is essential to growing, building, and maintaining a healthy Christian marriage relationship, but also Christ church. Paul states very clearly that all of the words he just spoke are about the unity of the church, the purity of the church, and the relationships of the church. This is not just marriage counseling. Husbands and wives need to recognize this covenant relationship is essential to Christ’s church.

Verse 33 – Paul reiterates a Christian husband should love his wife as himself and the wife is to revere her husband. Many versions say “fear”. That is NOT in the original Greek language. The idea is to “be in awe of”. A Christian husband is to act and treat his wife with such love, nurturing, cherishing, as himself, sanctifying her, cleansing her, that she will want to be in awe of him!!! This brings this full circle to the Biblical idea of “be subject” to. What woman do you know, that wouldn’t jump at the chance of having a husband who loves Jesus enough to love his wife in the same way? Peter states in 1 Peter 3:7 “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, AND as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” How are the two most important relationships of a man or woman’s life going to grow, if their prayers are hindered? Your relationship in Christ’s Body and your marriage require growth to live.

AGAIN, Paul uses the parallel of Christ love, nurturing, and cherishing of His church to show husbands, in the same way, they should love, nurture, and cherish their wives.

I feel the need to address a few arguments Christian women will have who have been taught by the traditions of the church that it is her responsibility to make sure the husband is “happy”. Paul clearly states it is the husbands job to lead his wife to happiness. Even Moses addressed the duty of husbands making their wives happy and this was established in the first year of marriage!! (Deuteronomy 24:5) The cool fruition of this is, the wife will be anxious and willing to fulfill of her husbands needs when the husband chooses to be, not only a man of God, but a husband of God.

Why do I bring all of this out? TRADITIONS!! For years upon years, through ignorance, “the church” has used this passage to shame women for not being in “submission” to their husbands. You can’t dig that out with a pick and shovel!! This is an abuse of the Word of God!! We also need to remember and understand that what women went through in the Old Testament is under the old covenant. The example of Sarah “obeying” and calling Abraham lord in 1 Peter 3:6 is under the old covenant. The word “obeyed” in the original Hebrew language means “to listen attentively” The use of the word “lord” is a revering or an awe, but not an excuse to demand, command, or abuse women. As God’s covenant people, not even slaves were to be mistreated. We, all of us, are under the new covenant.!! (Matthew 26:28, Mark 14:24, 1 Corinthians 11:25, and Hebrews 8:13) Jesus RESTORED woman’s place back at man’s side, not under his foot or thumb. When God spoke to man AND woman in the Garden of Eden, He addressed both of them!! God told “them” to go out and subdue the land. (Genesis 1:28) God carefully chose the rib of man to bring forth woman. Where is the rib located? (Genesis 2:21) At man’s side, NOT under his foot to be trampled on or squelched. What is recorded as Jesus’ first word after He arose and left the empty tomb? Who did He say this to? Both answers are the same, woman. (John 20:15) Who did Jesus make sure was taken care of after He gave up His spirit?  His mother.  This is uncommon in the Hebrew customs.  Jesus didn’t just leave the care of His mother up to chance, He appointed another man to care for her as a son!!  (John 19:26) I personally challenge man or woman to search the gospels and number the women that Jesus defended, NOT bad mouthed, condemned, or treated harshly!!

Another verse that is frequently used as a reason to endure abuse is 1 Corinthians 7:12 where Paul addresses spouses who found Christ AFTER they were married and then became obedient to His message. At this time, NO ONE was “born in the pew”. The Gospel is new. Paul states these are Christian men who are married to women who are “without Christian faith” and Christian women who are married to men who are “without Christian faith”. In verse 12, Paul uses the words “consents to” meaning “in agreement”. In the original Greek language, the word is really “pleased to” , “think well of in common”, and “feel gratified with”. This is more than a simple “Yes, I’ll stay here.” It is a choice, it is a statement of “I want to be with this man or woman.” With all of this said, I caution the traditional belief that these “marriages” are under Christ. Paul goes on to say, the Christian man or woman is the cause of the sanctification of the other, NOT the unbelieving spouse. He did not say the “marriage” is sanctified. Paul does not say the husband is saved, or the wife is saved, by the believing spouse, he said they are sanctified, “set apart”, to be influenced by the example of the Christian spouse and hopefully led to Christ by their actions and obedience to Christ. (1 Peter 3:1) A man who is not self-evident as one who thinks well of his wife, does not feel gratified with his wife, or is not pleased to be with his wife, does not fall under what Paul is trying to establish as acceptable circumstances to live as husband and wife. It is not the Christian husband or woman’s shame if their unbelieving spouse decides to abandon them and their children!!! Paul emphatically states in verse 15 the Christian spouse IS NOT ENSLAVED.

I AM NOT ADVOCATING SEPARATION OR DIVORCE!! I am only addressing women who are being trapped with misused, over used, and abused scripture that demands she and her children continue to endure abuse for the sake of what? This is not the picture Christ painted when He gave Himself up for His church, His Body, and His children. This is NOT the marriage covenant that God planned and purposed in His mind in Eternity, as clearly seen in His Word.

Simply put, Christian women have an advocate. His name is Jesus the Christ. He came to this earth to seek and save that which was lost and restore the woman’s role in His Kingdom. Women have battled for their place next to Christ since the Garden. Satan will never let Eve believe she is worthy, valued, and adored by her maker and he uses men to do his dirty work. Why have so many writers, under the new covenant, gone to such lengthy passages stating the value and worth of women if Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, didn’t want it written just this way. The words wife, wives, woman, women, she, her, mother, and sister are mentioned in the New Testament alone, depending on your version, 840 times. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 states “ALL Scripture is God-breathed and valuable for teaching, for conviction, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, That the man of God may be complete, fully equipped for every good work.” I believe Ephesians 5: 23-33 is one of the most overlooked passages where Jesus commands husbands to treat their wives in the same way He, JESUS, treated and treats His church.

This devotional is the inspiration and co-editing by my friend Tracie Walkup, who recognized a need to speak to women under unfortunate conditions. My husband, Brad Wangerin, also assisted with editing and guidance.